When you are in it, you cannot see any way out of it…but when you are finally out of it, you wake up, and you can see in it!
11.11.11
So, alot of things have changed over the years. Cut a long story short, I recently had a 3 month relapse. I was smoking methampetamine and ice. I dont know why I went back to it, well I guess I do, but I dont exactly understand why I did. I didnt plan for it to become such a big problem, but it did. It just spun outta control. It went from bad to worse, from a once off thing, to an everyday thing. My depression got the best of me and I needed something to control what I was feeling. It was again, an escape from the way I was feeling.
The relapse got so bad that it was literally controlling me, worse then it ever has been before. It was all I wanted, all I thought about and became a daily routine. I wanted it. I needed it. It started off as spending every little cent I had on it, to doing whatever it took to get more. Because of this I got myself into major debt, I owed alot of people money, I was being threatened by people. Hanging around the wrong people, who are my friends (and I love them) but getting myself into alot of trouble. Things just got out of control.
I was changing as a person, treating people who cared about me like crap, I was losing the plot. I lost control and kept doing whatever it took to get more. I lost myself, completely lost myself and I couldnt see any way out of it. I hid it from alot of close friends and family, only the friends who were smoking it with me knew. It was killing me inside. It was so hard to speak to the people who didnt know what was going on, I was living a lie and it was all in secret. I should have learnt from my mistakes by now, but for some reason I went back into the darkside.
It got to the stage where the problem was getting so bad, it needed to stop, the addiction was literally controlling my everyday life. Something needed to change, something needed to help me. Suprise suprise Kelly Clarkson released a new album at the right time. Exactly at the right time. It is amazing. I was excited but didnt think much of it, didnt expect much, but couldnt wait to hear it. As in the past Kelly’s music has always been a massive help. I can ALWAYS relate to the songs and for SOME reason, her songs are ALWAYS where I’m at. It kinda freaks me out abit, all I can put it down to is, it is God using Kelly to help others and reach others. She is just literally AMAZING!
So while still smoking the methampetamine, letting it control my life. I would just listen to Kelly’s new album named “Stronger” listening to every single lyric in the songs, and really taking them in. AGAIN, it was doing something in me. AGAIN, my thoughts and feelings were being sung by her. AGAIN, an answer to prayer. AGAIN, it was where I’m at and what I am going through, and how I am feeling. I mean, deja vu? (spell?) ….It was just… Omg? Am I going crazy or? Is this really happening? Yeah, you get the point!
So, theres a song called “The war is over” ….during this relapse I was hanging around the wrong people, not caring about my safety but just caring about the drugs. I let alot of people pull me in, who are not good people. I was taking alot of risks, and just losing the plot. It was like a big fight, I was chasing it and chasing it, wanting more and more. When I heard this song for the first time. I had a vision of my life, and what I was doing, what I was getting involved in, and how I was living. It was a wake up call. Like something just snapped me back to reality. I woke up and thought “what am I doing” “where am I going” “what am I turning into” “This seriously needs to stop” “I need to do something about this” “This cant go on”
I would just lay there on the couch, listening to all these songs, taking them in, crying, letting it help. I let it help. I let Kelly help me. I was waking up. It was like a big war in my mind, like I was letting it control me and my thoughts, meth was all I wanted and all I thought about. I wasnt being strong enough, I was letting it take over me. BAM all of a sudden I was waking up. The album “Stronger” was waking me up. Once again, Kelly is a God send, and dont ask me why, because I have no idea!
Finally, the war is OVER. It took a good few weeks, but it is OVER….for a while it was like “I’m doing it, I’m doing it, I’m gonna do it, I’m doing it”…..now I can say “I DID IT!” And that is with Kelly’s help! Now I can look back and think, wow, what happened. I was lost. I got lost, but I found myself again, and that is thanks to Kelly’s new album “Stronger”..
If you think your so lost in a dark place that you cant get out of, think again, you are the only one incontrol of your actions and your life, you are the only one that can change you, no one else can do that, except you can accept help from people, music, God, anything, but you need to WANT to change, you need to want it that bad that you’ll do whatever it takes to be helped. This is what I did, and it worked! I let Kellys music help me. I let God use someone to help me. Dont think your ever too far gone for help, because thats not true. That is a lie from the devil and that is not what God wants. God is AMAZING, he knows us, he knows what helps, and he knows what hurts. Let him help you!
I would like to share one of the songs that really helped me through this called “The war is over”…. I will remember the vision I got of my life whenever I hear this song now! And I hope to meet Kelly AGAIN to share with her AGAIN how she has helped me 
“The war is over” by Kelly Clarkson <3 (Please listen)
http://youtu.be/mZime3kcQ3c
THANKYOU GOD THAT WE HAVE A SINGER LIKE KELLY CLARKSON IN THIS WORLD. YOU SURE KNEW WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE DOING WHEN YOU CREATED THAT GURL! 
I just wanna also thank my family, for helping me get out of alot of debt, and for the people who didnt give up on me, and were there to talk with through this nightmare! You know who you are.
Please go and buy, or listen to Kelly’s new album “STRONGER” …. Amazing!!
Please leave a comment. (Comments dont show until I approve them)
GOD BLESS YOU
XOXOXOX
November 11, 2011 at 9:26 pm |
It is great that you have pulled through again and that you had help around you.
We are here for you but cant always do as much. You know you can wake me at any time to chat. Please remember we care and at least I am one who will tell you what I see and if it pisses you off it is just because I care and want you to see things from all views and I think we do understand but you think we dont just because we dont agree or word it the same way you do.
Remember we are all happy and proud of you for pulling through again and hope it never happens again, if there is any urge or desire you can call on me (any of us) at anytime.
Finally remember
EVERYBODY LOVES TJ
ps I like YOUR accent lol
November 12, 2011 at 1:40 am |
Gosh…it’s such a flash back coming here…reading over the first part again… It’s crazy. We’ve shared a lot with each other during our friendship
you’ve grown heaps and you can tell just between the two posts 
You’re stronger than any challenge you face in this world
Congratulations on overcoming everything you’ve faced!
Beautiful testimony <3
Love alwaysxoxo
CB
November 12, 2011 at 4:55 am |
Hmmmm, what can I say. As a mother you never want to think that your kids would ever end up on drugs and not living a moral life style. I dont think you kids realize how hurtful and depressing it is to see what damage you do to your body. I know that all along you thought that I wasnt fully aware of what you were up to, but never ever underestimate a mothers intuition. It’s nice to see you have come out the other side and there has to be alot of healing to be done. If it takes Kelly Clarkson to fix you then so be it. Just let me tell you I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT SO BE KIND TO THE OLD WOMAN PLEASE.
Love you babe.
Mumzy xoxo
November 12, 2011 at 5:39 am |
Tammy I am so proud of you, please do not fall into that black hole again I will always be here for you any time nite or day I love you just like you are my own daughter . I am glad Kelly is there for you if that is what you need. your dad is so proud of you as well keep up the good work we know you can do it love from your stepmum xxxxx
November 12, 2011 at 5:43 am |
Makes me sad to think about what you’ve been through but thrilled to see your back on track. Great things lie ahead for you
I need to listen to this album…
November 12, 2011 at 7:31 am |
SOOOOO GLAD this is over Tj…..Just remember all the crap IF theres a next time you feel tempted! It might feel good at the time, but in the long run its just doing more damage. Not only to yourself, but your family and friends around you who care about you! I dont think you understand what it does to all of us. We love you and hate seeing you ruin your life like that. Remember its your enemy! Not your friend! Dont let it suck you in again!! Read this story over and over if you have to! God has defenately used Kelly to help you again! Keep staying strong and never look back…only look ahead.
GOD LUVS YOU AND SO DO WE!!!!!!!!!!
Luv your twin sis CAZ!
God bless you!
P.S Your too good for stupid drugs to ruin ur life!!!
November 12, 2011 at 8:38 am |
You are so brave sharing this with all of us, I think that it is great that you have stopped. It’s not easy and I hope that you know that there are so many people that are going to be stoked about your recovery. I think that God must have created Kelly to reach into your soul and help pull you out of your troubles. There is no problem to big for God. Really glad that you have good people and inspiration (Kelly) in your life. I hope one of Kelly’s friends see this and shows her how much she is helping people.
November 12, 2011 at 9:42 am |
ah TJ , it’s so unfortunate that it happened, but girl i am so so proud of you for overcoming it again, i really hope it never happens again…girl ur an inspiration to many…u’ve been through a heck of alot, yet u’ve come out on top once again…well done TJ!
girl im always around if you need me, no matter what time or anything..remember that,…there are many that are there for you..keep ahold of them
Keep that head held high….keep urself on the road that ur on…and follow that path…you can do anything TJ…anything you want to….
Keep that head bopping…bobblehead
Well done once again TJ!…you’re a star!
xxxx
November 12, 2011 at 10:19 am |
Wow Teej. I knew things had gotten bad, but I wasn’t aware how bad. I am so glad you got through this and came out the other side stronger than ever. Kelly’s music really is a great thing. Even more so when it helps you in such a way as it did you. I love you teej and am so glad you conquered your addiction. I’m so proud of you
Xxxx
November 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm |
Hey Tj, You have incredible strength, it’s been a year and 10 months since we first met, and I still look up to you because of your strength, you have always managed to pull yourself through rough times, and to share your story takes even more strength, you are amazing for the things that you’ve come through on. love you xx
November 12, 2011 at 5:09 pm |
Tj!!!
As I told you… everything that u went through… it’s shocking and I’m really happy that it’s all over! I hope you won’t go through it ever again! You’re an incredibly strong girl and you’ve proven that!
November 12, 2011 at 5:51 pm |
Well done, Pinkgurl! It’s amazing how Kelly has affected so many people just by being herself. And now by you being brave and telling your story, you may help someone else too. Thanks for sharing and best of luck for your continued willpower and strength!
November 12, 2011 at 6:24 pm |
I am so happy for you!!! I love reading stories like this. I wish you nothing but the best! stick with it!!!!
November 12, 2011 at 11:17 pm |
I see you have lots of support and hopefully you see that too with all the people above. it is cool your mummy (I always laugh at mummy since most are scary so mommy is better), caz and stepmum all replied. maybe reading this will help them understand a bit more too and have a bit more patience so you are not upset with each other as often.
always remember siblings (especially twins) can understand you better than most so always turn to caz as well
I liked chatting today and enjoyed the few laughs
twitter, aim, msn, textme, hey tell or direct text mssg can always be used to contact me 24/7 just try multiple if I dont reply to one of them
November 13, 2011 at 4:25 am |
You really accomplished so much. The best to you. Stay with it and know that you can remain strong!!
November 13, 2011 at 4:26 am |
Pinkgurl, you are so young, and yet have lived and learned so much in your years. Please stay strong. Although Kelly, and others, can help you, it will always come down to your own inner strength, self awareness, and complete acceptance of yourself, to give you the power you need to be EVERYTHING you need and deserve. Happiness and inner peace come only after you believe that you are perfect (even with flaws). Everyone has their inner demons, but you are tackling yours – - and that is wonderful! Never look outside for what only you can give yourself (complete love and acceptance.) Please know that whatever anyone, or anything (e.g. drugs, alcohol, etc.) gives you, it usually comes with either a price, or contingency, if you do not believe it yourself. You are worth everything it takes to be your better self.. know it, believe it, and it keep in front of you at at all times!
I really wish you the best… Thank you for sharing your story.
November 13, 2011 at 4:27 am |
Pinkgurl, I want to encourage you to hang in there and compliment you on the strength
you have shown so far on this so very difficult problem. I live in an area where perscription
pill use is epidemic with many, many, many young people dying because of it, some of my
family members included. We lost my nephew, Benjamin, in July. Such a gorgeous and
talented young man who was trying to get straight but died in a car wreck.
I am so thankful that I have never had an addictive nature nor desire to indulge in drug use.
Nor my two beautiful children. Such a feeling of helplessness for those watching those who do.
I see you quoted from Romans. Kelly’s favorite Bible verse is also from Romans 42.
“Be still, and know that I am God.” So powerful, it has since become my favorite verse.
All the best to you in the future. I see from your pics what an attractive, spirited and
intelligent person you are.
While this may seem a little trite, it’s worth noting that you do have some luck on your
side getting to meet Kelly. Twice. Wow.
November 13, 2011 at 4:29 am |
You ought to seek prfessional counsling anyway because drug addiction is a serious problem(which I’m sure no one has to tell you) Certainly Kelly’s music was a big push in the right direction, however.
As far as I’m concerned, if Kelly Clarkson never sells another album or concert ticket, the fact that she was able to help you get out of a situation which would likely have had a horrific ending makes everything she had done and endured to this point worth it.
November 13, 2011 at 5:57 am |
HEY TEEJ nathan here, caz’z bf, yeah the one you love to hate
its good to hear that you were able to beak through the addiction of meth, which is a tool of the devil for fake happiness like all drugs, it was hard to see you fall back into the pit of drugs and depression, but what you say about wanting and needing help is so true, and its great to see you back in the right place where god is your rock and you holding onto that. you dont know how good it is to hear that youve pulled through the darkness to be in the light again.
November 13, 2011 at 12:55 pm |
TJ,
You keep on saying that Kelly, knowing her, has helped you grow as a person and live your life ‘sober’.
I want you to know of the the influence you have had in making my life ‘sober’.
I just want you to know that, in some small way, your pain might not have been all for nothing. That pain you experienced, that I witnessed when I was young (when we trained at the police academy), helped me to make the decision to lead a sober life. It broke my heart to see you cry and cry- to see you in pain like you were. It was so intense. But it made me make the decision that I never wanted to feel the kind of pain I saw you experience. So I guess in some kind of way, your pain helped me- like how Kelly’s pain helped you to make the decision to become sober.
You’ve touched my life. And I’ve come out all the way because of it.
So,
Thank-you TJ. And thankyou for sharing your story.
November 20, 2011 at 12:47 pm |
Amazing story… It reminds me a lot of my parents but I’m glad that your better now and that Kelly helped you with that is just simply amazing.. Thanks so much for sharing it was very personal which is hard to put up for the world to see sometimes.
November 23, 2011 at 5:08 am |
Dear Tamara Jane Farmer,
This second part of your testimony is amazing. I probably don’t have to tell you that or emphasize it anymore than it has been by others. Now that you’re out of this rough patch of your life, I hope you can look back at it and know that that happened for a reason. I know that this hasn’t been the end of your testimony, and I know you know that too. Your story isn’t over until your over.
Tj, I’ve known you for over 5 years now (at least I think or just about), and I have had the amazing privilege of seeing you go through good times and see you go through very low/bad times. I will admit, it was a lot easier and a lot more fun during those good times (sausage), but the bad times just grew us closer together even if you were so deep into stuff that you couldn’t really see who was there for you. I have prayed and thought about you ever since the first time we met. I remember when we met:) Do you? Haha good times.
Anyway, what I’m trying to get to is that even though ALL of us go through our lowest days, it just makes us stronger and more beautiful than before. You wanna know why? Let me illustrate it:
When I was on my mission trip to Houston, TX, we walked through this neighborhood which showed on one side these houses which were very upscale and very nice. Then on the other side of the street there were these run down, almost unlivable houses but people still lived there. I was asked to pray about this neighborhood. When I looked at the houses what I saw was us. I saw us as a church in Christ, as Christians, and I also saw the nonbelievers and how there isn’t much of a difference between us and them. The houses on one side represented beauty, and the houses on the other side represented brokenness. Us as a church are beautiful and broken. We are beautiful because God made us beautiful, His own creation, and we’re beautiful because as Christians, we have Him as the Savior of our lives. We are broken because we still live in sin. We still have those low points in our lives. We continue to sin but the beauty is that our Lord and Savior already forgave our sin by dying on the cross for them. Everything we have done He has already forgiven and He has forgotten them. That’s how the beauty and the brokenness mix together. Because of that, we aren’t as different than non believers, we just have the beauty of our Creator inside of us.
I want you to remember that. I know you’re going to mess up again. It may or it may not be this again. I hope it’s not. But you can remember when you’re at your lowest your brokenness is beauty. You are beautiful and strong because of what you’ve gone through.
I can not wait to see what God has in store for your life. I can’t wait to see the lives you will save with this testimony that is still being written. Just remember to give this testimony to Him because it’s all is work and His beautiful plan for your life, Tj, you’re life.
Maybe next time you’re thinking of doing something to yourself, you’ll think of this post or at least think of me as your sister. I love you so much. I know I say that and I know you don’t believe me, but you don’t understand how much I love you. I truly, genuinely care and love you. I’m here 24/7 if you ever need anything.
Love always,
Your little sister in Christ
Hailey xo
November 25, 2011 at 2:21 pm |
It is great Kelly has helped you through this and amazing she has saved you twice. It also shows what a great person Kelly is and what great influence she has on people. This also shows you are determined and have great strength so be proud. I think it takes a lot on your part to hang in and overcome this twice and share your story with people. Hang in and avoid a 3rd time, stay SOBER. I like that “The War Is Over” and just remember to stay STRONGER.
November 25, 2011 at 4:31 pm |
I’m glad you shared that with us –you have come a long way!!!! I hope you never lose your faith in God. He will be there when no one else is. You never know how your words (in this case, Kelly’s words) really affect people’s lives, and your situation is the perfect example.
I’m sure she is glad to know her music is helping people in this way.
November 27, 2011 at 11:21 am |
Hey T.J. welcome back . How are you? And what have you been up to lately?
Amazing story, I’m proud of you that you won the fight against it again . Good job and you’re right God has sent Kelly to help us out. I understand with what you mean that you can always relate to her songs, I have the same, I think almost every Kelly fan has at least 10 to 15 songs where they can relate to.
November 29, 2011 at 6:16 am |
Keep on going on with strength, and never lose faith.
November 29, 2011 at 3:45 pm |
Your story is really moving. I can totally get how you were feeling and what lead you to the addictions. Kelly’s music has been healing for me as well, especially her My December album. It makes you feel like you’re not alone at certain stuff you’re going through.
November 29, 2011 at 4:01 pm |
keep fighting the good fight and don’t worry if there’s anywhere God can keep an eye on you its in the city of churches
December 1, 2011 at 11:21 am |
Well done. Kelly rocks your socks. HeHeHe
December 1, 2011 at 10:36 pm |
You inspire me.Thank you.
December 2, 2011 at 5:06 am |
Don’t even mention that stuff, that ruined my Tj!! I’m so glad to have u back, if u dare destroy Tj wiv that again I’ll slap u!
December 3, 2011 at 8:39 am |
This is a really inspiring story TJ as you can tell with all the comments. I am so glad Kelly helped you in this way and remember to never fall into that dark pit again. Life is worth so much more then that. Keep being strong, it is like Kellys that voice within. Never give up on it and never give in. I hope you meet with Kelly a third time. Amazing.
December 4, 2011 at 4:58 am |
Awww what a great read! I’m so glad Kelly’s music was able to help you and hope it continues to do so. As others have mentioned, I hope you’re allowing others (along with the music) to help you stay on the right track! Nothing is worth risking your life and addiction is very, very powerful as you know. Best of luck to you.
December 6, 2011 at 6:40 am |
your very very brave to openly come out with your past, and always remember thats what it is, your also very strong to go through what you did to break away from it … most dont … but you have and im very very happy for you … here’s to a better future!