11.11.11

So, alot of things have changed over the years. Cut a long story short, I recently had a 3 month relapse.  I was smoking methampetamine and ice. I dont know why I went back to it, well I guess I do, but I dont exactly understand why I did. I didnt plan for it to become such a big problem, but it did. It just spun outta control. It went from bad to worse, from a once off thing, to an everyday thing. My depression got the best of me and I needed something to control what I was feeling. It was again, an escape from the way I was feeling.

The relapse got so bad that it was literally controlling me, worse then it ever has been before. It was all I wanted, all I thought about and became a daily routine. I wanted it. I needed it. It started off as spending every little cent I had on it, to doing whatever it took to get more. Because of this I got myself into major debt, I owed alot of people money, I was being threatened by people. Hanging around the wrong people, who are my friends (and I love them) but getting myself into alot of trouble. Things just got out of control.

I was changing as a person, treating people who cared about me like crap, I was losing the plot. I lost control and kept doing whatever it took to get more. I lost myself, completely lost myself and I couldnt see any way out of it. I hid it from alot of close friends and family, only the friends who were smoking it with me knew. It was killing me inside. It was so hard to speak to the people who didnt know what was going on, I was living a lie and it was all in secret. I should have learnt from my mistakes by now, but for some reason I went back into the darkside.

It got to the stage where the problem was getting so bad, it needed to stop, the addiction was literally controlling my everyday life. Something needed to change, something needed to help me. Suprise suprise Kelly Clarkson released a new album at the right time. Exactly at the right time. It is amazing. I was excited but didnt think much of it, didnt expect much, but couldnt wait to hear it. As in the past Kelly’s music has always been a massive help. I can ALWAYS relate to the songs and for SOME reason, her songs are ALWAYS where I’m at. It kinda freaks me out abit, all I can put it down to is, it is God using Kelly to help others and reach others. She is just literally AMAZING! 

So while still smoking the methampetamine, letting it control my life. I would just listen to Kelly’s new album named “Stronger” listening to every single lyric in the songs, and really taking them in. AGAIN, it was doing something in me. AGAIN, my thoughts and feelings were being sung by her. AGAIN, an answer to prayer. AGAIN, it was where I’m at and what I am going through, and how I am feeling. I mean, deja vu? (spell?) ….It was just… Omg? Am I going crazy or? Is this really happening? Yeah, you get the point!  

So, theres a song called “The war is over” ….during this relapse I was hanging around the wrong people, not caring about my safety but just caring about the drugs. I let alot of people pull me in, who are not good people. I was taking alot of risks, and just losing the plot. It was like a big fight, I was chasing it and chasing it, wanting more and more. When I heard this song for the first time. I had a vision of my life, and what I was doing, what I was getting  involved in, and how I was living. It was a wake up call. Like something  just snapped me back to reality. I woke up and thought “what am I doing” “where am I going” “what am I turning into” “This seriously needs to stop” “I need to do something about this” “This cant go on”

I would just lay there on the couch, listening to all these songs, taking them in, crying, letting it help. I let it help. I let Kelly help me. I was waking up. It was like a big war in my mind, like I was letting it control me and my thoughts, meth was all I wanted and all I thought about. I wasnt being strong enough, I was letting it take over me. BAM all of a sudden I was waking up. The album “Stronger” was waking me up.  Once again, Kelly is a God send, and dont ask me why, because I have no idea!

Finally, the war is OVER. It took a good few weeks, but it is OVER….for a while it was like “I’m doing it, I’m doing it, I’m gonna do it, I’m doing it”…..now I can say “I DID IT!”  And that is with Kelly’s help! Now I can look back and think, wow, what happened. I was lost. I got lost, but I found myself again, and that is thanks to Kelly’s new album “Stronger”..

If you think your so lost in a dark place that you cant get out of, think again, you are the only one incontrol of your actions and your life, you are the only one that can change you, no one else can do that, except you can accept help from people, music, God, anything, but you need to WANT to change, you need to want it that bad that you’ll do whatever it takes to be helped. This is what I did, and it worked! I let Kellys music help me. I let God use someone to help me. Dont think your ever too far gone for help, because thats not true. That is a lie from the devil and that is not what God wants. God is AMAZING, he knows us, he knows what helps, and he knows what hurts. Let him help you!

I would like to share one of the songs that really helped me through this called “The war is over”…. I will remember the vision I got of my life whenever I hear this song now! And I hope to meet Kelly AGAIN to share with her AGAIN how she has helped me

“The war is over” by Kelly Clarkson <3  (Please listen)
http://youtu.be/mZime3kcQ3c

THANKYOU GOD THAT WE HAVE A SINGER LIKE KELLY CLARKSON IN THIS WORLD. YOU SURE KNEW WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE DOING WHEN YOU CREATED THAT GURL!

I just wanna also thank my family, for helping me get out of alot of debt, and for the people who didnt give up on me, and were there to talk with through this nightmare! You know who you are.

Please go and buy, or listen to Kelly’s new album “STRONGER” …. Amazing!!

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GOD BLESS YOU
XOXOXOX

My twin sister and I started a sport called Trampolining when we were really young. We were competing in State and National titles, World Championships, I competed in Youth Olympics and Indo Pacific Championships. We had the chance to travel overseas etc. Although we were young and didnt understand anything we had an average childhood and we were happy.

We both started experimenting drugs when we were about 15. Started off as trying smoking, sniffing paint (chroming) etc. I guess we just wanted to try it. But sometimes just trying it doesnt exactly work. It becomes a path you can choose to take if you really want to. At 16 we met a group of people who introduced us to church, we learnt alot about God, something we’d never been taught before. We gave our lives to Jesus and became Christians.

Years went on and we lost alot of friends, alot of people let us down, a group of friends who were like family (who were actually the group of Christians who introduced us to church) so many broken promises from people I really trusted. I came to the thought that no one was ever trustworthy. you cant ever believe anything anyone says because they will only let you down and lie to you in the end. I believed no one cares about anything else or anyone else but their own lives. That was my experience and I was very hurt, we lost people we loved. I shut down from the world and everything I knew and I just wanted to forget everything and escape, and this is how I did it. This is how we did it. I got into Marijuanna, I was smoking weed, drinking, taking trips LSD, taking meth. I thought it was for fun and abit of an escape to start with. I was cutting myself, burning myself with lighters, just doing whatever took the pain away, or showed others I was in pain. While I was still training for Trampolining, with huge dreams and goals. I was out having fun with friends, taking trips, staying up all night, smoking, laughing, partying.

It got to the stage where it became really bad. My twin sister was in and out of rehabs, out on the streets during the night alone. I remember me and my mum or one of my best friends Rachel always had to go find her late at night because we were scared she wouldnt make it home. She was killing herself slowly and we were watching without being able to stop her. It was really hard to watch and I just wanted to forget everything. I started getting addicted to weed, it became worse then just experimenting. Literally 24.7. I never went without it. It made me feel normal, if I wasnt stoned or under the influence of weed, I didnt feel normal. I needed it. It made me forget everything. I became addicted and I gave up on Trampolining and quit. I needed weed and I wanted an escape from so much hurt, I wanted to forget everything. I wanted drugs.

So my life was revolving around drugs and whatever I could get high on. I had weed on me 24.7. I wasnt the same person. I had completely shut off from the world and myself and was high day and night although, I was concious of it. I knew what I was doing, but I didnt know what effects long term it would give me. I wasnt strong enough to stop. Hurt and pain and wanting to escape got the best of me. We would take trips LSD every weekend and just trip out, laugh, stay up all night, tell storys, we would drink, get completely smashed, its what we looked forward to.  My twin sister Caz was doing it too, her own thing though, we sometimes did it together, but we both had different friends and lives. Getting our hands on anything that would get us high, was what we did. This went on for years.

Smoking weed was my main thing, its what I didnt just do on weekends, I did it 24.7.  Before going to the shops for ten minutes, after coming home. Before going to visit someone, after I get home. It was ALL the time. I completely lost myself. It was messing me up. I didnt feel the same person anymore and I ran away from myself because I wanted to get out of the hurt and pain. I couldnt do it alone I needed something else to control what I was feeling.

So I started smoking methaphetamine, crystal meth. We used to just eat it, but I started smoking it instead. That became a bad addiction too, not as bad as weed, I didnt let it get that far but I started doing that ALL the time too. It was becoming like the weed. I needed it. I hid it from everyone, I hid it from my family and some friends. No one knew how bad the problem was. They knew I was smoking weed but didnt know how bad. Not many people but close friends knew about the meth. I was completely messing myself up. I didnt know myself anymore. These drugs just took over. Me and my friends would stay up for days in a row, we didnt need to sleep, we didnt need to eat, this meth was keeping us up, partying, driving, music. We felt like we were on top of the world.

After 3 years of drug addiction 24.7.. after 8 years experimenting drugs on and off, effects took place. They took place first off, but knowing and realizing what effects were taking place can take this long. You cant do that to your body for so long and get away with it. I started having weird thoughts in my mind, I couldnt control them, I started having paranoia, I couldnt walk down to the shops without feeling like everybody was looking at me. I thought everybody could see what I was feeling and it was obvious to the people around me. I was messed up. Completely messed up, completely lost touch with reality, but to take them paranoia and uncomfortable feelings away, I just took more drugs. I was living in the “now” I didnt wana think. I had just had enough. I didnt wana do this anymore. But I couldnt stop. Having an addiction to something, means you NEED it, you cant just stop, you literally need it and even if you dont want it. You need it. It needs you.

I would cry and cry myself to sleep, I didnt wana live like it anymore, I didnt know how to stop. I didnt know how to tell people or family how I was feeling. I used to think of the times before I got addicted “why didnt I just stop then” “why didnt anyone tell me this would happen” “why did I think it was all for fun” “why am I feeling lost” “why am I thinking these thoughts” “whats wrong with me” “why doesnt anyone else feel like this“  Something was changing inside me. I was waking up.

During this time. Music was a huge support, which was always in the past too. Kelly Clarkson’s songs always stood out to me, a few songs more then others. I would sit and cry and listen to her album, and other albums I could relate to, and just sing at the top of my lungs. I felt so alone. No one knew what I was feeling, no matter how much I tried to tell people, I felt like I was invisible and I was screaming it infront of their faces, just for them to turn around and forget what I just said. No one just had any idea what it was like. It felt like I had no support. Alot of my friends were still out there partying, taking drugs, they werent feeling what I was. I couldnt talk to anyone about it. Alot of the times I just wanted it to end. I wanted a way out and I wanted to kill myself. I was finding everything too hard. I used to pray and cry out to God, “help me. I need help I dunno what to do anymore”
I got taken to hospital for wanting to kill myself, I was on suicide watch. I had to talk to all different doctors. Things were just falling apart.

2007. Kelly Clarkson’s album “My December” was released. I always got her albums as soon as they were out. She was always my favourite singer. Her songs were always relatable. I remember getting this album and listening to it for the first time. Something was changing, although I was still on the drugs, all these songs were about betrayal, getting let down by friends, all my thoughts and feelings were being sung by HER. It was an answer to prayer, I couldnt believe it. It’s like I didnt know how to express my own pain/hurt and things in the past, I didnt know what was happening inside my head, but this did. It was healing. Like someone else has felt this before, I felt comforted. I didnt feel so alone and I felt like I was understanding more how I was feeling by listening to her songs. It gave me hope. On the album theres a song called “Sober” Kelly wrote it about survival and addictions.

Kelly Clarksons words about Sober:

“Sober” is about survival, knowing what to do when something goes wrong. “It’s not easy getting over whatever your addiction may be” she says “The whole point of that song is, the temptation is there, but I’m not going to give in to it”

So for a while I would just sit and listen to this album over and over again, singing it, screaming it, getting everything out that I held in for so long. It was releasing my pain. I was thanking God so much, because I knew I could do it, I’m gonna do this. I’m going to get off the drugs and I wanna go back to Trampolining. I wrote so many songs just getting my thoughts out, writing helped aswel. I went cold turkey with the Meth, I knew that was something I HAD to stop immediately. It was killing me, my body and mind. That was really hard, coming off something you’ve been using for so long is like changing your mind to someone elses. I would be punching walls until I bled, screaming, slamming doors because my brain needed it, but I wasnt feeding it. I just lost the plot. I wanted to get off the weed, my mind was just completely messed up, if I didnt stop all this when I did, I dont know where or what I’d be today. To come off the weed, I felt it way too hard to stop straight away, I couldnt do it. It was my reality. It was me. If I didnt have it, I wasnt myself, the feeling was so different. Kelly Clarksons song “Sober” quotes

“3 months and I’m still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers”

I decided to cut down on the weed, I was smoking about 20 cones a day, and I needed it, really needed it, but decided if I can cut down slowly, I can do this. In 3 months I went from 20 cones a day, to 10 cones a day, to 5 cones a day, to 3 cones a day, to 2 cones a day, to 1 cone at night. That took 3 months and it was the HARDEST 3 months of my life. I went through all sorts of stuff doing that. I had to switch realitys, to what I felt as normal, to being completely lost and having all sorts of things going through my head, to waiting and waiting until it finally felt normal being off of weed. It was the hardest thing to go through, and still now I dont feel “normal” and thats what drugs do. It was really hard but I know I had to do it. The song “Sober” guided me.
I knew I cant do this alone, I needed help doing it. I prayed to God for help. I didnt put myself in a rehab, its like that just wasnt even in mind because how bad it all was, was in secret, and alot of the time my family were rapped up in my twin sisters addiction they didnt realise, or I didnt let them know, it was happening to me too. I dont think anyone really understood to what extreme this was. I was alone and God answered my prayers.

During the time I was cutting down from weed, I felt like I wasnt all there. I felt so confused, like I had completely messed myself up perminately and at the time I was too scared to tell anyone. I thought I had become mental and I was gonna be in a mental home for the rest of my life. I didnt understand what was happening in my head. I just completely lost touch and lost myself. I sometimes couldnt even talk properly, I hid myself in my room under the covers hoping it would go away. I was too scared to face people because I was just terrified, I was a mess. I cant even explain what that was like. So I isolated myself for that 3 months, I didnt see many people. I didnt know what was happening. I wasnt in control. I had no support. I was just hanging onto music. Singing these songs, literally 24.7 for MONTHS I was singing these songs over and over again, like REALLY singing them, over and over again hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel will show eventually and these weird feelings will go away and I will start feeling normal again. I didnt give up.

I cant say support is what got me through, because its not. Although seeing a psychologist weekly helped. It gave me strength to keep at it. I had encouragment from family and friends telling me how awesome this is that I was coming clean and getting off these drugs. I had encouragment from my church, prayers and meeting up with people. But music is really what got me through, it was my support. I dont know where I’d be now if the album “My December- Kelly Clarkson” never existed and I thank God so much for that.

I met Kelly Clarkson face to face 3 months that I had been clean from the drugs. 3 months just like the song says “3 months and I’m still sober” 2008 in March. THANKYOU GOD and thankyou to her Fanclub for the meet and greet. It was like my own happy ending almost. I gave her gifts and a letter which thanked her and told her how much she’d helped me, and also got a photo taken with her which I will remember always, the hardest times of my life, and I hope to meet her again next Australian tour in 2010.

(EDITED: I did get to meet her again in 2010 thankyou God!)

I thank God and give God all the glory in me coming clean because without him I dont think any of this would have happened. I thank Kelly 4
letting her thoughts& feelings out in this album,and for just being herself. Because this album was also her “therapy” and she said it was all completely her, and that saved someone on the other side of the world. I prayed and prayed for help,and I found it. My mum and dad never gave up on us, they separated when we were 7 and our mum was a single mum but they were always worried and always held our best interests at heart. Our mum wanted to give us the world if she could and I thank her so much. Now I’m back training for Trampolining again, something I wanted to go back to, and I did. I wana travel again and reach my goals.

(EDITED- Finally decided to retire with the Trampolining but did reach some goals)

It took a good 12 months to feel back to normal and like sane really, and still now I dont feel 100% and thats just the price I’m paying. Drugs can really mess your life, mind and feelings up, and its something no one knows enough. They think its all for fun but this is poison going into your body. I wont lie, I dont even feel like the same person I did before these drugs, and thats what drugs do, completely change you, for the worse. I still live with the effects today, and things get pretty messed up, but it could be so much worse if I didnt stop when I did. I stopped in time, and some people aren’t lucky enough to. Thankfully my twin sister also got clean from her addiction.. before me. Thank God.

There is hope, you just need to want it, ask, reach out for it, let it help, and no matter how hard it is, it can be done. It doesnt kill you. Drugs will.

Thanks for reading….
Please leave a comment. (comments dont show until I approve them)

Please go and buy or listen to Kellys album “My December” (Cutting down on the weed was IN December too)

ROMANS 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor ANYTHING else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

Meet and Greet Photo 3.3.2008
http://i34.tinypic.com/331dnh3.jpg

(EDITED: MY 2010 meet and greet photo with Kelly)
http://i56.tinypic.com/mh5bu1.jpg

A video  “Life House- Everything” skit”  that really touched me  http://www.youtube.com/user/Tjpinkgurl#p/a/f/0/cyheJ480LYA
(Thanks to my friend Hailz for showing me the video) :]